Looking for the Right Woman (or the Right Smart Phone)?

IMGCAP(1)]Guys, are you upset because you haven’t found the right woman yet? Do you think you’re going to spend the rest of your life being single? Don’t worry.

The process is no different than finding the right smart phone for your small business. It’s all about asking the right questions.

The good news is that there are more places to find women now than ever before: online dating sites, happy hour meet-up groups, speed dating sessions, Craigslist, George Clooney movies. The same goes for smart phones. It used to be that RIM’s BlackBerry was the only game in town. And then came Apple’s iPhone. Recently RIM introduced its touchscreen, the Torch . But wait! Google then announced that they sold more Android devices than Apple’s or RIM’s devices. If you’re buying a smart phone for your small business, these are the top three you should be looking at – the rest on the market are more for entertainment. Like finding the right lady, it’s all about choosing wisely.

For starters, and most obviously, there has to be a physical attraction. I prefer six-foot-tall blonde girls with large chests. Unfortunately, being a five-foot-five bald guy I settled for a five-foot-tall brunette. Still hot. Just a smaller model. When buying a smart phone for your small business, we all would prefer it to look and act like a full-blown computer . But sometimes you have to settle for things that are just smaller. My wife had to make the same compromise when she married me.

Of course, that’s not to say you don’t find your smart phone attractive. Twenty years later I still think my wife is hot. Will you feel the same about your BlackBerry at the end of your three-year contract? One of my clients is in construction and has fat fingers. He hates the touch screen. Will you enjoy touching and playing with your smart phone halfway through your life together? Do you prefer a touch screen or a keyboard? Is the display large enough? Like a good woman, if you grow physically bored with your smart phone, your relationship is going to be in trouble. It’s a personal decision, so make sure you fully test out all your choices. The smart phones too.

The next most important thing is resources. Our great grandparents from the old country had it right: they arranged marriages and made sure the wife’s family provided a good dowry. Today, we’ve got to do that research on our own. Look, if you’re going to put up with all the yelling, the nagging and the complaining, at least you can take comfort that the in-laws have some dough and a vacation house in Aspen. It’s no different when buying those phones for your small business. In this case, it’s all about the network.

For example, many business owners complain that Verizon, AT&T and T-Mobile provide weaker coverage in some areas compared to others. Smart penny pinchers visit sites like cellreception.com and signalmap.com to find out which service providers have the best coverage in their area before committing to a provider for their business. Let’s face it, guys — after the honeymoon’s over, you’re still going to have bills to pay. And after you choose that sleek little device that you fell in love with, you’re going to need to make sure your people can use it to connect fast to each other, your customers and your suppliers.

Checking out your girlfriend’s dowry is a smart move. So is looking at your cell phone’s coverage.

Another important thing to consider? Make sure the little lady gets along well with others. Sure, your mother is always dusting whenever she visits and your sister complains about the cooking. And sure your friends stay around too late and leave urine stains on the carpet. But these are the important people in your life. Your honey needs to enjoy being around them as much as you do.

Same goes for your business smart phone. It must also play well with others. Most smart phones synchronize with Microsoft Outlook, but does your smart phone work well with your e-mail system? For one client, accessing their customer relationship management system via their mobile devices is critical to check on open invoices and the last time a customer was contacted. Another client wants his employees to enter work orders through their phones.

Are there any security issues? It’s important to test these things out well in advance. For your intended, take her on a vacation with your friends or your family. Watch how she’s acting after a few days together in close quarters. Oh, you’ll see her true colors, trust me.

Same goes for your smart phone. Test out a device on your network. Make sure there are no limitations and that you’re happy with how it integrates with other applications in your company.

And make sure your intended wife, just like your potential smart phone, is flexible. Will she throw an epic tantrum when you suddenly announce that you’re having a few friends over to watch the big game, or will she smile and serve up the chips and beer? Will she threaten divorce when you come home with that new turbo Mustang or will she shrug, get a tattoo, and learn how to drive a stick? Will she someday want children? God, I hope not.

And what about your potential smart phone? A friend of mine is building out an internal service tag system and decided to use the Android platform to create a specific mobile application for it. Can it be customized to meet the needs of your business users? Are there plenty of apps available to help your people be as productive as possible? Is it open enough so that a developer can dig into the guts of the phone and create programs that help you work better with your existing data (this is one of the Android’s selling points). Will the phone be able to handle all of your contacts and calendar activities, or will it run into space limitations?

And finally, there’s religion. I’m Jewish and so is my wife. So luckily we can feel guilty about everything and complain about everyone in a very compatible way. When you marry a girl, you’re marrying her family, her background, her religion. Are you prepared to go to church every Sunday? Are you OK with giving up pepperoni on your pizza? Did you know that your wife’s religion requires her spouse to sacrifice a bison before a festival of painted tribesmen? What the hell did you get yourself into? And what about that smart phone? Do you realize how illogical those BlackBerry lovers can be? Have you ever experienced a Genius at the Apple Store? Did you know that many of the people in the Android community still think Kurt Cobain is alive? You better check out their websites beforehand. Visit their support forums. Talk to some of their users. Because you’ll be entering their religion. And it may not be pretty.

Guys, with the right amount of due diligence, you too can make the right choice. You too can have something sexy, obedient, fun and loving. Something that follows your every command and satisfies your every whim. Of course, I’m talking about a good smart phone for your small business. As for the right woman? Who the hell knows.