At one time or another, you've all heard about, or known of, people who never learn from their mistakes.

You know, the folks who lend credence to the theory that the true definition of insanity is doing something the same way each time and expecting a different result.

For some reason, my favorite entry into this particular category are all the single folks who bemoan the lack of eligible mates in their area, but nevertheless keep dating virtual clones of their former flames and then wonder why it didn't work out.


I'm kinda that way with the Academy Awards.

I tried drama in high school and my castmates in "How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying," unanimously voted me "least supporting actor."

Therefore each year I vow not to stay up and watch until the end. But each year without fail, I'm bleary-eyed the next morning at work, cursing myself for getting caught up in the hoopla.

I mean what real attraction was there this year, except to critique the winner's and presenter's wardrobes or listen to unfunny attempts at humor from hopefully one-time host Chris Rock?

So without the benefit of a gown from Vera Wang or jewelry from Harry Winston, I thought it prudent to present my personal Academy Awards for 2005. This year's winners are currently not in "the business," as they say in Hollywood, but nevertheless are currently in the headlines.

Best Actress goes without hesitation to the doyenne of domesticity, Martha Stewart, for her post-incarceration speech.

On her first day back in the office after five months as a guest of the government, she confided to her underlings in a town-hall style meeting, "As you know I've been away for a little while. I love all of you from the bottom of my heart," she said, clutching a tissue. "And I'm really glad to be home." 

For a moment, I thought she had been traveling on company business. I didn't need PwC to tabulate this vote.

Best Actor goes to  former WorldCom CEO Bernie Ebbers, who testified at his trial on fraud and conspiracy charges that he was "unschooled in accounting" and therefore not aware of the massive earnings manipulation at his company.

What Bernie neglected to mention is that he somehow had the business savvy to acquire a succession of smaller communications companies in building the WorldCom conglomerate.

Best Supporting Actor goes to former HealthSouth CEO Richard Scrushy for his portrayal of a concerned boss who told his CFO,  Michael Martin, that if Martin quit as he wanted to,  he would wind up "the fall guy" in the $2.7 billion accounting fraud at the health care and outpatient services provider. Scrushy faces nearly 60 charges of fraud at his trial, which is currently ongoing.

Best Supporting Actress goes to New York Senator Hillary Clinton, who, despite a lifelong hatred for Republicans, has quietly, but efficiently engendered a loyal support base among the GOP on a host of issues as she trains for her White House run in 2008.

Hey, that seemed way too quick for an awards ceremony of any kind. Maybe I'll pitch the format to the Oscars for 2006.

I know I'd be funnier than this year's host.

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