Actor Charlie Sheen has certainly managed to keep his name in the news in recent weeks, and now that his starring role on “Two and a Half Men” appears to have come to an end, we wondered what it would be like if he took a job overseeing tax legislation and accounting standards.
Corporate taxes: Distributors of tiger blood would enjoy special tax preferences. Why? Because they’re winning, duh!
The alternative minimum tax: “Vatican assassin warlocks” would be permanently exempted from the AMT, especially ones with “Adonis DNA.”
The marriage penalty: Automatically eliminated for those who are married to goddesses, especially if they could be classified as “smoking hotties.”
Deductibility of medical expenses: 100 percent deductibility if you’re on any drug named after Charlie Sheen (although you may run the risk that “your face will melt off if you take it and your children will weep over your exploded body”).
Estate taxes: Will be permanently set at 5 percent, even though dying is just for fools and amateurs, according to Sheen.
Film production tax credits: Only good for studios named Charlie Bros., but definitely not Warner Bros.
Electronic filing mandate: Can’t be processed with a normal brain.
Revenue recognition: Only recognized if raised to $3 million an episode.
Fair value measurement: Impaired assets, like bad TV scripts, can be converted “from tin cans into pure gold.” Distressed mortage-backed securities are only for “fools and trolls and soft targets.”
Other comprehensive income: Just close your eyes and make it so with the power of your mind.
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